Sometimes an abundance of choices can leave us feeling stuck and that’s what we’re talking about in today’s post.
“My brain is too full to make choices this week.” me, last week.
Finding a gif for this week’s quote was fun. I thought I’d choose Barney from How I Met Your Mother, because I thought I couldn’t resist him, but then I saw this guy and realized I literally can’t ever pass on the cute dog pics so here we are. Also this pup, totally overwhelmed and frozen by possibly getting one of those cupcakes seems to encapsulate how things are feeling the last few weeks.
The beginning of the year brought some changes and opportunities that had me feeling like I’m stuck in a vortex of energy and I can’t get out because that would require making a choice and, uh, that’s not happening so I guess I’ll just stay stuck.
Have you ever felt that way? The worst part, they aren’t even bad choices. In fact most of the choices are quite good, but that can be just as triggering for me.
What if I make the wrong choice and things take a turn? What if this is the last chance I’ll ever have for THIS choice?
Hello, anxiety, you old friend. Anyone with me now?
Got How I Met Your Mother in here anyway.;)
A funny thing happened that helped me reframing the whole vortex scenario. I found myself at a youth basketball game to see my nephew play some stellar defense the other night. Surrounded by so much kid energy and young parents, I had a bit of a “mom of young kids” flashback that gave me some perspective.
As the game ended and everyone descended the bleachers onto the court, I actually was in an energy vortex, not just the one in my head. Watching all those parents run around corralling players and siblings of players to get back in the car and head home to still have hours of their night of active duty in front of them, I shuddered with the bodily-memory of that stress and then breathed the biggest sigh of relief that I only had a puppy to think about at home.
It occurred to me then, this stress I was feeling, the out-of-sorts, inability to make a choice, anxiety laden last few weeks was a direct result of being unfamiliar with this freedom. Yes, freedom of time, freedom of space, freedom to make choices. All of that felt overwhelming because it was so…new.
I have spent the last 21 years managing a lot of things for other people. Now, I have space to mostly just manage myself and that isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it’s downright scary because my nervous system isn’t tuned into it yet so that unfamiliarity can be mistaken for danger.
As a result of that, my nervous system does what it does when it’s triggered: ramps up the jitteriness of anxiety, then when that doesn’t work, shuts down completely, leaving me feeling overwhelmed and unable to make choices beyond which sweatpants to put on.
I’m fine when distracted by work or caring for puppies, but in those moments when I’m alone with my thoughts (and they are more ample now than ever before-those moments and my thoughts) I shut right down. Like the Cupcake-Pup at the top.
There he is.;)
I know you might be thinking, uh, hey, Cristie, don’t you do this stuff for a living? Shouldn’t you be better at tracking your own triggers and avoiding overwhelm? You’d think, right? What’s that saying about doctors being the worst patients? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Here is the thing. I am good at tracking triggers and I’m very schooled at regulating nervous systems. So, when I do feel that overwhelm coming or notice that I’m already in it, instead of doing what I used to do, which is intellectualize and overthink (and often eat cookies), I instead move my body or rest my mind-whichever works best-in order to soothe my system to remind it we are not actually in danger, just in unfamiliar territory that while it may feel scary, isn’t something to worry about at all.
This is what I learned, not only studying traum-therapy, but also sitting on the couch with a therapist myself. I learned the tracking skills. I learned about nervous system reactions and how to soothe in times of need. I learned about my old coping skills, both why they were useful then and how to adapt them to better serve me now. I’m not finished. Like any human I am a constant work in progress. But I am a whole lot more like this cat than that first dog way more often then I used to be. And that feels like the best gift ever.
Cristie XOXO
