Life has a way of throwing us into unpredictable, challenging situations, from personal hardships to collective tragedies. But what if the goal isn’t to merely survive these moments, waiting for smooth waters before we can feel peace or joy again? What if resilience is actually about embracing life as it is, even in the hardest moments, and allowing ourselves to find glimmers of goodness amid the chaos?

In this post, we explore how we can live with both the joy and sorrow that life inevitably brings and redefine resilience as more than just bouncing back. It’s about honoring the full spectrum of our emotions, allowing ourselves to feel the sorrow, the gratitude, the hope, and yes, even joy — all at once.

The Pressure of Expectations

Many of us carry unrealistic expectations for how we “should” feel in challenging times. Often, we expect ourselves to either ignore the difficulty or be completely immersed in sadness until it passes. But these black-and-white expectations leave little room for the complex emotions that life can stir up. They also ignore a simple truth: we’re made to hold more than one feeling at a time.

After experiencing Superstorm Sandy and witnessing its devastation on the Jersey shore, I found myself grappling with a mix of sadness for those affected, relief that my family was safe, and gratitude for small moments of connection in my community. It was in the midst of tragedy that I found “glimmers” — small, shining moments that provided warmth and light, no matter how bleak things felt. These glimmers reminded me that life can be beautiful even when it’s tough, and that our emotions are allowed to be complex.

Redefining Resilience

For a long time, resilience has been narrowly defined as simply “bouncing back” from adversity. But perhaps resilience is also about living with our struggles, finding moments of joy and peace, even as we walk through pain. It’s about honoring every feeling without judgment — acknowledging that we can be grateful even in the midst of grief, and that we can feel sorrow and still appreciate moments of happiness.

Take the example of my friend Alison, who lives in Nashville. In the wake of a devastating storm, she found “glimmers” of warmth and joy amidst the rubble, sharing them with friends as a reminder that light still existed in her life. This simple act gave me the perspective to see resilience not as bouncing back quickly, but as being able to navigate through hardship, honoring both the beauty and the pain along the way.

Finding Joy in the Mess

We all have times in life where the hardest days seem to stack up. During one particularly challenging season, my husband and I were dealing with multiple “big life stressors” at once — a job loss, a pregnancy, my mother’s cancer, and a house move. These types of overwhelming life experiences make it feel as though the weight of the world is on our shoulders. But even in those moments, I found that small acts of kindness, connection with others, and simply being present with my feelings made a difference.

Sometimes resilience means taking small actions to feel grounded: connecting with others, celebrating small wins, and engaging in activities that renew us. After the storms, helping others — even with simple things like organizing donations or cleaning up debris — allowed me to feel part of something greater than myself. It was a reminder that helping others can help us find meaning, even in the midst of hardship.

Giving Ourselves Permission to Feel Everything

It’s important to remember that there is no hierarchy of feelings — just because someone else’s suffering may seem “greater” doesn’t mean ours isn’t valid. We are allowed to feel sadness for missing a small event just as much as we are allowed to feel joy, even if others around us are struggling.

The freedom to feel everything, to be both sad and happy, frustrated and hopeful, is part of a resilient mindset. By allowing ourselves to experience the “glimmers” of joy, we honor the full range of human experience. In doing so, we also give ourselves permission to embrace life as it is, messy and wonderful.

The Path Forward: Thriving in the Messy Middle

The reality is that life rarely offers a long stretch of calm waters. It’s more often a combination of highs and lows, of triumphs and trials. We don’t have to wait for life to be smooth before we allow ourselves to feel okay. Learning to “find the wonder in the weeds” means living in the center lane, where sadness and joy coexist, where we allow ourselves the full experience without judgment or guilt.

So, let’s redefine resilience together. Let’s give ourselves permission to feel everything we need to feel, to find our own glimmers, and to discover the wonder that lives in even the messiest parts of our lives. In the end, resilience isn’t about escaping life’s storms; it’s about learning to navigate them with grace, with hope, and maybe, just maybe, with a little bit of joy.

Thank you for reading, and remember: you can find beauty in the weeds. Life is full of glimmers, if you just give yourself permission to see them.