There is a cute t-shirt that keeps popping up in my social media feeds that says, “today is a good day to talk about feelings” and I love it for its simple message. With the work I do (I’ve lately been referring to myself as a feelings doctor) I want to wear that shirt every day.  So let’s talk about feelings.

“Don’t allow your mind to tell your heart what to do. The mind gives up easily”

~ Paul Coelho

The thing is though, talking about feelings, while super important, isn’t always the only thing we need to do to feel better. In fact, sometimes by only talking about our feelings, we push off the actual feeling, which can be the key to real healing.

And by we, I for sure mean me.

I tend to be an intellectualizer. For years, I thought I was “healed” or “over” things because I had talked about them with a therapist, or friends, or family members or just myself in a journal.

I’d talked about how I was feeling. I talked about why I thought I was feeling a certain way. I talked about the connections between my experiences and my feelings. I talked and talked and talked and then I moved on. Right?

Inevitably, after all that talking, I’d find myself in the same situations or doing the same shit again and I was always so confused. I mean I’d gotten over it. Right? I’d moved on. I did The Work™. I was healed. So why then was I still a hot mess?

Healed means fixed, right?

Right?

Whether it’s overspending, overeating, overexercising, (Or under-any of these things) staying with the wrong partners, people pleasing, screaming at our kids, screaming at our partners, isolating ourselves or tying ourselves in knots to be who we think we “should”be, so much of our behavior is linked to old wounds.

And even when we think we’ve made all the connections and done all The Work™ we find ourselves repeating patterns or showing up in similar situations and that gets real frustrating after a while.

When I reached my frustration peak, I started investigating more than just talking. I learned about polyvagal theory and somatic therapy and how movement can help us heal. I also learned that all my talking might just have been a protective skill I used to actually keep from having to feel anything. In the biz we call it intellectualizing and its purpose is to avoid feeling. Turns out you can’t fully heal if you never feel.

So instead of just talking (and talking, and talking) about my feelings, I needed to actually feel them in order to truly move on. Ooops.

I’m glad I learned all this stuff because it helps me be patient with clients who are afraid to feel like I used to be. I also learned that even if feelings are overwhelming in any given moment, I don’t have to be afraid to feel them because that overwhelm never lasts forever. I like to try to help clients understand that too.

I want to be clear that just because I know all this stuff doesn’t mean I am great about doing it myself. I still fall back on trapping stuff in my brain if I don’t want to feel. I’m human, which by definition means a work in progress. I’m healing, because fully, totally, 100% healed might not even exist and if it does it sure does not equal perfect. But now I can recognize my protective, intellectualizing behaviors and I have tools I can use to soften them… when I’m ready to feel.

Today is a good day to talk about feelings. I hope for all of us, it’s a good day to feel them too.

Cristie XOXO

P.S. the use of ™ after “The Work” is actually me making fun of all the social media psychologists who blather on about “Doing the work”. It’s not a real trademark. Not aware of those blathering social media folks? Great. Don’t go looking!

P.P.S. if you’re ready to talk about your feelings and heal in the process, learn about the mental health counseling I offer and then reach out for a complimentary 15 minute consultation.