Womanhood is a wild ride. We spend all these years trying to balance our near-obsession levels of attention to the details of other people’s lives with (maybe), taking care ourselves personally or professionally or (maybe) both, only to be left in a driveway gazing after a car full of young adults driving away to grander adventures, or sitting at a desk with a stranger trying to make end-of-life-care plans for people who were supposed to care for us.

“This is me…now.”

All the while, the rest of life marches on around us and we stand wondering where we disappeared to.

Whether the girl is standing in the driveway or sitting at the care-home desk, she is met with an act of coming back to herself that can feel like an epic challenge. It’s not always a return to our former selves. In fact, it’s rarely that.

It’s more like meeting ourselves for the first time in the current version.

My kids used to play the game Pokemon on one of the many gaming systems we’ve owned over the years. They also collected binders full of Pokemon trading cards and when they gathered with their friends, I would overhear them talking about the character’s “evolved forms”. These were often the coveted cards or chosen characters when playing the game. These characters were totally different looking (some had glitter!) and behaving characters, but they were still linked to their original versions.

There was an adorable little lizard named Charmander, who as he progressed through the game, gathered strength and went from sweet looking to fierce as he grew in abilities into Charmeleon, no longer a sweet, smiling orange lizard, but now a red, scowling, baby dragon. Then, when he reached final and most powerful version, Charizard, he had full dragon wings and could fly.

I think I spent a bit too long trying to find my inner Charmander instead of recognizing I was now walking through the world as Charizard. In raising kids and growing professionally and personally right alongside them, I learned to harness my fire-breathing powers and sometimes I could even fly.

As kids grew and there were some other factors at play that got in the way of me embracing my fire-breathing dragon self, I caught myself forgetting how I’d grown. Being new in a profession at 40 while also sick and ignored by medicine for years can certainly take the fire out of a person.

I used to think it was my kids growing up but now I wonder if that had less to do with my predicament. As I watch other women in the same phases of life, I see no matter what happens along the way, the role of caregiver still factors into who we are, at all stages of our lives, even if it isn’t with the title mom.

We are worried about everyone else-partners, parents, colleagues, siblings and yes, sometimes adult kids, in a way that makes it hard to focus on ourselves for long enough to recognize our own evolved forms.

A few weeks ago, I joined a big, fancy gym that opened up near me. It is exactly the kind of place that used to intimidate the hell out of me, so even if I could have afforded to join, I never would have because anxiety and fear of judgement would have kept me away. As I’ve spoken about before, a gift of 50 is that I have shed the part that’s worried about everyone else at the gym and now make enough money that I only have to sacrifice mindless spending to fit it in the budget. Win-win.

That said, I’ve been out of the working out game for years (see sick and ignored comment above) so I am honestly not even familiar with my own body and its abilities or lack of these days. I’ve tentatively dipped my toes into areas that used to be second homes to me, like yoga mats and spin bikes.

This former 4 sport high school athlete is like that baby lizard, Charmander, learning all over again what her strengths and needs are when it comes to fitness. The thing is though, I didn’t have to go all the way back to my original form. I didn’t need to find my “old” self. Instead, I’ve had an incredible time meeting the evolved version of me.

This is me now. That’s the title of a new (kinda weird looking) J-Lo movie that I saw a preview for recently and the title stuck. Say what you want about J-Lo, but she has fully embraced every version of herself no matter how messy and I find that inspiring to watch. (Also, can we talk about that killer body at 50? Wait, I digress.)

Back to the movie title. I think we should all embrace it as a movement. This is me now. Do you know her? Do you love her like you should? Do you recognize her gifts and all the ways she’s evolved into a fierce, flying dragon? Do you take care of her because you recognize how important she is simply for existing-not because she takes care of everyone else?

I found out in my first yoga class that I am not the yogi I used to be. But I also learned on the gym floor that I can lift heavy things and one-legged squat probably better than when my legs routinely ran up and back on a field-hockey field.

This is me now. And she is better than ever, and always worth my time.

Try saying that in the mirror to yourself this week when you brush your teeth or catch yourself in the store window (or gym mirror). Say it until you believe it. Because this is you now. And you are better than ever and always worth your time.

You got this, you Fierce Flying Dragon, you.

Cristie XOXO